"Sorry... no matching jobs available."

That's what it says every time I do a search on S1jobs recently.  Today I've tried:

• Fundraising/Charity - 1 non-voluntary post that was a management position for Scottish Opera, no good.  
• Heritage/Cultural/Library - 0. 
• Admin - only crappily paid reception jobs (which, I'm not just being fussy here, I've applied for before and never get because I don't have 'reception experience'), plus
• 1 job at Glasgow School of Art that I'm applying for, though this is only a 9 month maternity cover, which would put me in the same position I was in with my last job, and we all know how that worked out. 

I'm debating whether it's even worthwhile applying for a temporary job that's not going to lead anywhere, but I probably will anyway if only to make me feel like I've managed to do something constructive today.

Haven't heard back from Woman Kind, and now I don't think I will.  It's amazing how quickly the positivity seeps away, really.  But there it is, it's all gone, and today I feel crappy. 

That's right kids, it's not all shopping and wine-filled lunches when you're unemployed - there's also the rubbish flip-side where you sit in the house filling out forms for jobs you don't want or are over-qualified for, or watching daytime TV and drinking coffee.  Then, once in a blue moon, you find a job that gets you really excited and you know you could do well, and you spend ages applying for it and then you don't even hear back about it.  Not even a rejection email, because most places are "eliminating surplus admin costs" which means they can't spare 20 mins of some admin assistant's time to stick your name and email in a Mail Merger and send out a standard email telling you didn't get the job.

Definitely, today is not a good day.  Maybe it's hormones, or the come down from the huge excitement I felt for the Woman Kind job, or maybe it's just boredom, but today I'm feeling really shit and can't snap myself out of it.  For some reason, I just feel really upset about everything and that's stupid because it's not going to change anything, and all it does is make me not even get anything done, like redoing my CV, because I feel crap and can't concentrate.  I might go and have some coffee and sit on the patio for a bit of fresh air, and then come back to it.

I've also got my jobcentre appointment coming up again, and I always go in feeling like I haven't done enough, or like I should have a job by now.  And then when I'm there the 'advisors' don't even give a shit anyway, and there must be tonnes of people who go in and actually haven't even bothered trying to get jobs, but I still feel like I'm being lazy or complacent cause I haven't even had any interviews yet.

The weather's very strange today, uber foggy, I can hardly even see the other side of the street out my window.  It's kind of mirroring my moods (or maybe I'm mirroring the weather, who knows?) - yesterday was a lovely bright, cheerful sunny day, even though it was quite cold.  And today is grey and cloudy and foggy and quiet.  That's kind of how my head feels just now: fuzzy and full of cotton wool, and grey, negative thoughts.

I'm meeting HM and KM later today, about half past 5, so that'll probably help cheer me up.  I don't mind wallowing in my own thoughts but I don't tend to talk about it much, really, and I think that's a good thing.  I can kind of explain how I feel but I don't want to go on about it when I'm with other people, and then, I guess, just thinking and talking about other stuff gets me out of my own funk, a bit.  On the other hand, maybe I'm actually suppressing all the crappiness and will end up with an ulcer or something, ha ha.

Think I'll go for that coffee now and then come back to the jobs.  I'll look up the London websites, instead of the Scottish ones, and maybe I'll feel a bit better to see there are actually some jobs going and it's not all hopeless...